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What can I say? I'm in my 4th week of sick or partial sick leave, but I just haven't been able to log in here and write. I haven't been able to much else either, and I'm sure you can guess now that it's not due to lack of time...
I've dealt with a small concussion for 4 weeks now. Except that it's okay again now, and it is my life that isn't. I had written a nice post explaining it, but stupid LJ ate is, so I'll just say it out loud right away. I'm dealing with stress. I'm fine on the outside, but on the inside I'm not. When my doctor said it, I didn't take it in at all... but in retrospect it makes sense, and explains a lot over the past months. Actually he mentioned something like this already when I last saw him early October, so he has seen it coming (the (dis)advantage of having a doctor who knows you?!), but back then I didn't even believe him and just forgot about it. Even you have seen it, in posts about not sleeping... but that was the extremes. Fact is that I've hardly slept more than 4-5 hours at night for a long time now. I have gained weight. I'm not able to focus on things. I procrastinate even more than I usually do. I stay up late to find time to do the things I want to do, after having done the things I have to do (last minute), and even if I'm exhausted, I still stay awake afterwards worrying. about things that I can't do anything about or that are completely pointless.
So, for the past 3 weeks I've done what my doctor has said. Gone for walks. Sleeping late. Doing something other that usual, and not relate to my everyday reality. Being as inefficient as is possible, but still thinking.... and my "time out" is coming to an end, and it's soon time to deal with it. You might say it was a bad thing to start studying, but at the same time it's not. I have to work, I cannot not deal with it. And since I'm the only one there who probably won't be happy processing applications for the rest of my life, I will have to do something. I need more education to get anywhere at all, and I need the positive feedback from my boss, who I have involved in my study. Quitting right now is just not an option. I also can't quit my family, obviously, and I won't quit working out. I have not ran much the last months, but I started yoga, and it makes me feel better. I have to hold on to those things right now. Being crafty has felt really good in these last weeks too. Where does that leave me?
I guess it's rather obvious that concert band has to go for now. I broke the news to my sister yesterday, and as expected she was not happy. I can't continue because of her, though. I need a break, and I'm taking it until summer for the time being. Time will show what happens. I'm also cutting down on penpalling. I have enjoyed so much being back to it properly for the past couple of years, but right now my pile is lying there making fun of me. I will keep some of my closest penpals, and take a break from the rest. Even some I've known for a long time. It makes me feel both stressed and sad, but I have thought about it for a while, and I know I have to do this now. And also, after Christmas I am getting a cleaning lady again. No money right now, or I would have called on one immediately... :(
It's just the first steps. I know I can go back to the doctor and ask for more time off any time I want, but I don't want it. It's hard enough admitting to yourself that you can't deal with your own life. Admitting it to others feel like a complete failure.
I'm not yet sure what my next steps will be... but I know it will have to be more. My doctor has signed me up for a stress handling class with a psychologist, so maybe that will be it?! It's a group thing, and I hope I will get into it.
Have a lovely pre-Christmas-time! Maybe now when I have said this, it might be a bit easier to come back in here now and then...
I've dealt with a small concussion for 4 weeks now. Except that it's okay again now, and it is my life that isn't. I had written a nice post explaining it, but stupid LJ ate is, so I'll just say it out loud right away. I'm dealing with stress. I'm fine on the outside, but on the inside I'm not. When my doctor said it, I didn't take it in at all... but in retrospect it makes sense, and explains a lot over the past months. Actually he mentioned something like this already when I last saw him early October, so he has seen it coming (the (dis)advantage of having a doctor who knows you?!), but back then I didn't even believe him and just forgot about it. Even you have seen it, in posts about not sleeping... but that was the extremes. Fact is that I've hardly slept more than 4-5 hours at night for a long time now. I have gained weight. I'm not able to focus on things. I procrastinate even more than I usually do. I stay up late to find time to do the things I want to do, after having done the things I have to do (last minute), and even if I'm exhausted, I still stay awake afterwards worrying. about things that I can't do anything about or that are completely pointless.
So, for the past 3 weeks I've done what my doctor has said. Gone for walks. Sleeping late. Doing something other that usual, and not relate to my everyday reality. Being as inefficient as is possible, but still thinking.... and my "time out" is coming to an end, and it's soon time to deal with it. You might say it was a bad thing to start studying, but at the same time it's not. I have to work, I cannot not deal with it. And since I'm the only one there who probably won't be happy processing applications for the rest of my life, I will have to do something. I need more education to get anywhere at all, and I need the positive feedback from my boss, who I have involved in my study. Quitting right now is just not an option. I also can't quit my family, obviously, and I won't quit working out. I have not ran much the last months, but I started yoga, and it makes me feel better. I have to hold on to those things right now. Being crafty has felt really good in these last weeks too. Where does that leave me?
I guess it's rather obvious that concert band has to go for now. I broke the news to my sister yesterday, and as expected she was not happy. I can't continue because of her, though. I need a break, and I'm taking it until summer for the time being. Time will show what happens. I'm also cutting down on penpalling. I have enjoyed so much being back to it properly for the past couple of years, but right now my pile is lying there making fun of me. I will keep some of my closest penpals, and take a break from the rest. Even some I've known for a long time. It makes me feel both stressed and sad, but I have thought about it for a while, and I know I have to do this now. And also, after Christmas I am getting a cleaning lady again. No money right now, or I would have called on one immediately... :(
It's just the first steps. I know I can go back to the doctor and ask for more time off any time I want, but I don't want it. It's hard enough admitting to yourself that you can't deal with your own life. Admitting it to others feel like a complete failure.
I'm not yet sure what my next steps will be... but I know it will have to be more. My doctor has signed me up for a stress handling class with a psychologist, so maybe that will be it?! It's a group thing, and I hope I will get into it.
Have a lovely pre-Christmas-time! Maybe now when I have said this, it might be a bit easier to come back in here now and then...
